The night before

Sunday 26th April,

The night before my first trip to Papworth.
Feeling nervous about meeting the team, anxious about what I'll think of it, what they'll think of me, wether I meet their criteria to get an assessment, worried I'll be 'too well' and scared thinking how unwell I'd have to become to get an assessment!
Lets be honest I'm generally shitting myself for a multitude of reasons but can't really put a finger on one.
Worrying myself because I haven't really got anything to ask and I feel I should, just a lot to get my head around and it's all of a sudden sunk in how shit I must be because I've been sent for a transplant... never really had any regrets in my life, but I do wish I'd listened to people, I wish when I was warned and told by docs nurses family and more important other cfs I listened, I wish I had just tried to do that tiny bit instead of doing nothing, but there's nothing I can do now, so I need to close that chapter and leave it in the past and open up my new chapter tomorrow afternoon and start my life again. Be able to have the future I've dreamt of with my family and Em, I want the wedding, I want to have children or at least a child, and I want a job. I want the worry of bills and a mortgage, I want the worries that normal folk have!
Life will be complete when I can have those worries instead of the worries of dying before I fulfill my dreams!

I haven't had a single negative thought so far about transplant not a single negative thing has crossed my mind, it's not going to happen to me, I'm going to get the lungs and I'm going to recover in a nice length of time not rushed and not lasting months and months, I don't mind bumps in the road, I really don't as long as I get the future I want im willing to deal with it and fight for it!

It's a massive week in life, not only have I got the transplant talk at Papworth but then we have my grandads funeral Thursday! But I know I'm strong enough to deal with it, I know I can get through it all! I have a lot of apprehension about tomorrow but I'm so excited about the future it's going to give me!!